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But AA batteries and shower radios, you have been owned by Zune. Read on:

The great expedition

Good morning, chaps, and may I express how excited about today's music player safari I am. We'll be heading out to spot the most elusive music player of them all: the recently-reported – but possibly mythical – Zune. Have you got your binoculars and canteens? Compasses? All right, then, let's – say, Whittleby, isn't that my pith helmet? You've left yours over there. Do hurry up, please. We've got to make good time!

The mighty Amazon.com jungle is our destination today. One of its more exciting regions: the music player best-seller list. Come along, chaps, though this entrance, there you go... Oh my, the iPods are thick here. I expected many, but there's nothing but iPods at the top. Jeffries, help me push them back so we can get through. There...there's a good man, you've found the trail. Oh, and look! A mating pair of SanDisks, nesting low on the top ten. Good show!

Let's press onward, shall we. More of these iPods... They're like mosquitoes this time of year, aren't they, Jeffries. Ah, watch your step, I see a couple more SanDisks... Well, let's – stop, everyone! Look, there it is! Quiet, quiet, we don't want to frighten it. See, right there, at #18: a Zune. The black Zune. It is real! And I must say, we really didn't have to search that long, did we. Though for an animal that's said to be social, it's looking frighteningly alone!

What's that you say, gentlemen? Oh... Oh, I see, yes, you do have a point there. Searching out the Zune in a music player list is a bit like tracking a tiger in its zoo pen, isn't it. You want to take this safari out into the open? Then let's do that, shall we. Into the great untamed outdoors with us! Yes, let's have nothing less than the whole Amazon electronics best-seller list! Tally-ho and in we go.

I say, iPods all over the place here in the electronics list too. Shoo, shoo, let us get by! There, that's a good nano... Now, what else have we got here at the top of the list? A few non-iPod players, some cameras, a digital photo frame. Don't fret, Whittleby, I'm sure we'll find a Zune in the wild. Let's march on to the teens. Hmm... More iPods... Oh, look, a Canon Elura movie camera; if we can't capture an actual Zune, we'll at least get footage to take back to the Society!

And on into the twenties we go. Egads, if it's not an iPod underfoot around here, it's another camera. Look, the thirties already. I see a cheap external drive... and are those FM transmitters for the iPod? There, Whittleby – under your foot, you oaf. That was an FM transmitter. I honestly don't know why we take you with us. Now keep your eyes peeled for that Zune, chaps. And your ears for its cry. The Professor says it's "Pleasebuyme, pleasebuyme", or something of the sort.

Heavens, what's this at #40? An iPod armband hanging in the bush? And oh my, sunning itself on that rock – I've never seen the likes of that! Hand me the guidebook, Jeffries... what a surprise, it is in Kingsley's book, a TAO 1.4" Digital Photo Keychain! Admirable, that Kingsley; I doubt even Professor Ashton has heard of such a thing. For a second I thought we'd discovered a new genus!

Yes, Whittleby, I know we're going to have to turn back if we don't find a Zune. By all means, take a rest if you must. I've got a full canteen if you're dry. But do let's press on again while we still have the light.

The scenery is certainly changing now, isn't it. Look, a Z22 Handheld at #48... our first Palm spotting! And down there, all drinking at that stream: a DVD player, a wireless router, some flash memory... and 20-disc DVD case! That's an unexpected find; hardly "electronic", is it now? Yes, Jeffries, get a photograph, but remember what we're here to find. Let's press ahead.

What's that you've found, Whittleby? An iPod Home/Travel Charger at #57? Well, that's hardly a rarity, is it now? Do stay focused, Whittleby.

We're passing through the sixties now. Yes, cameras, routers, another SanDisk, webcams... Good heavens, Whittleby, don't move! On the #70 branch right above you: it's a Cables Unlimited 6-foot Male-to-Male HDMI Cable. Such a specim – oh, confound you, man, you've moved and scared it off. No, it wouldn't have bitten you, but it's an extremely rare hermaphrodite, and the Society should have loved to see a captured specimen. We'll have to search for another in the spring expedition.

Yes, Whittleby, I know you can't take part in the spring expedition. How unfortunate.

Look there, Jeffries – not that iPod USB Power Adapter at #71, but three slots lower: a white 4GB iPod nano. I say, little fellow, what are you doing way down here? You must have gotten separated from your herd. You'll want to watch for that Creative Zen right behind you... but if there is a Zune lurking about, I think you needn't worry; the specimen we saw was quite toothless. Not at all the fearsome podivore conjured up in those ridiculous early tales!

Well, chaps, I'm beginning to think you're right, and we'll have to turn back toward camp. We've trekked through the seventies and into the eighties, with little to... Oh, what is it now, Whittleby, have you found another common iPod accessory? What are you goggling at now...

Good heavens! Is that... is it... Yes!