The Windows API is so broad, so deep and so functional that most ISVs (independent software vendors) would be crazy not to use it. And it is so deeply embedded in the source code of many Windows apps that there is a huge switching cost to using a different operating system, instead. It is this switching cost that has given the customers the patience to stick with Windows through all our mistakes, our buggy drivers, our high TCO (total cost of ownership), our lack of a sexy vision, at times, and many other difficulties. Customers constantly evaluate other desktop platforms, (but) it would be so much work to move over that they hope we just improve Windows rather than force them to move... In short, without this exclusive franchise, called the Windows API, we would have been dead a long time ago.
When cleaning out spam, I can't help but notice a few of the titles – some of which rock! Utterly hilarious.
I've just started (barely) paying attention, so don't have many yet. What great titles have you found? Leave a comment!
Oddly funny
- Better Future, wheat louse
- Here's your information, oyster cracker
- Your cash, open-windowedness
- Better life, worry-carl
- Well, I got news for you - You're out of touch and watching retro porn. [This kills me for no reason I can explain.]
- The masters that create our watches have no right to make a mistake.
Sexual strangeness
- Attack her ham pocket more [I'm sheltered, I know, but ham pocket? It's a new one on me!]
- Forge your huge love sword
- Hi, Want your winky to stay like a Big Ben? [Will my balls chime on the hour?]
- You can be ugly and stupid as long as your shaft is big. [Missed marketing opportunity; why not sell pills for ugly and stupid, too?]
- Small tool is for peeing, big tool is for more serious things. [Wait – you're promising me two tools?]
- You can get it up only according to the clock? [Huh? "Oops, 3:15 - time for my woody!"]
- Men will see your power in every public shower. [Quit looking! Stop it!]
- It will be hard for women to resist the temptration not to sleep with you. [Wait, let me try to parse that... I think this promises to make women not sleep with me.]
- You feel the big friend in your pants, the others see it.
- Sneaky Sex - Getting it Done With CChildren in the House!
- You would never have to travel south if you had a bigger shaft. [A small shaft would make me have to "travel south"? Should I be laughing at migratory birds?]
- Women love looking at a big penis, holding it, kissing and caressing it but moreover they adore riding it.
- Don't rely on luck in such important question as your "weenie's" combativity!
- The same as men look at women’s breasts first, women look at men’s little friend down there first. [His Chihuahua?]
Promises, promises
- With every extra inch you climb one more stair on the ladder of masculinity.
- Your bigger penis will feel warmer in the whole of any lady. [Continues the body text: "Making love is always pleasant especially when the girl you love screams from a great satisfaction that she achieves while your tool gets inside the deepest parts of her flower!" Um... Sex pills for pollinators?]
- Women will be begging you on their knees to pull your pants down.
- Girls..This Vibe Has Been Known To Cause Screaming, Exploding O's & Squirting
- She wants you huge python in her now!
- Women start laughing when you pull down your pants? Stop it! [That's what I keep telling them! Stop it!]
- With such a developed huge monster in your pants you can catch a real gold fish. [Huge monster! Yeah! In my pants! Aww right! Gold fish! Awesom... wait... Gold fish!?]
- Now women will bring you coffee to bed in gratitude of the night.
- Women will jump into your bed like crazy rabbits. [No! You'll spill the coffee!]
- The vigor in your pants will be unbreakable. [But surely not stronger than a wall?]
- Your member will be so strong you will be able to break the wall with it. [Oh! My mistake!]
- Your secretary will go down on you right on the office table.
- You don't have to make up stupid excuses now - the blue pill will make you a man.
- Now you can ride your women for hours till you get crazy.
- Women will divulge the beauty of your bulge. [Divulge?]
- You will see the interest in women's eyes every time you take your pants off.
- Every hot woman will ask you about the time. [Huh? The time?]
- Every time you are hungry for an erection, the blue pill can give it to you. [Hungry for...? Er, I don't swing that way...]
- You will get a new nick something like "Mega Stick". [This, by the way, from a faked sender address at "usedrecumbentbicycles.com"]
- Make your pecker glorious
- Postpone your love bomb's explode [Borat, stop spamming me!]
- Girls will drop underwear for you
- Get a better erection than even your son gets. [If Dad and Son are comparing boners, they have bigger problems than a pill will solve.]
Come again? (Which, incidentally, is what some spam promises...)
- half price Microshit Project 2003 Professional
- lame merle
- I was funny, let's repeat?
- IT consultant of perfect love making art. [Yeah, IT consultants are love-making's artistes.]
- Female Enhancement in licensed clinic (new pack) [Female Enhancement? What is that, a bigger vagina?]
- uplift your darling bed event
- ascent your darling sexuality
- heave your lover sexual adventures
- hoist your sweet sexual times
- hoist your sexual event
Content of note
I don't often see the actual content of spam, but sometimes a line slips by the visual filter:
- From a sexual performance spam: "You will envy yourself as you see her eyes burning with adoration." [...I will envy myself? "Damn, I wish I had a tool like... I have."]
- More sex spam: Cartoon of Bart Simpson schlorping a girl, while Bart says "I have bought these pills and now I'M A REAL SEX KING!!" [Ahh, sometimes I just love the Internet.]
- From some medical spam: "Do you really disturbing of your own body?" [I don't know. Do I?]
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