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Musical instruments? Yes, they're technology too!

And I'm just livid to hear CNN claiming "cello scrotum" is a hoax:

A senior British lawmaker confessed to making up the condition known as "cello scrotum" -- which relates to chafing from the instrument -- after reading about another musically-related ailment called "guitarist's nipple" in the British Medical Journal in 1974.

From guitarist's nipple to fiddler’s neck, from laryngeal blowouts to Satchmo’s syndrome, musical maladies are a reality. Yet Doctor/Baroness Elaine Murphy and hubby John claim that 34 years ago they simply "made up" cello scrotum, which they defined as "irritation from the body of the cello" (as opposed to irritation from the sound of the cello).

Well, I dare say that the hoax is a hoax, much like the way jokers now claim to have faked the famous Patterson Bigfoot footage. (Sure, it was a monkey suit, but I know there was a Yeti inside.) We musicians know there are musical maladies, and that there are musical man maladies, with our instruments inflicting real pain on... er, our instruments.

Below are names for the top five afflictions, each followed by a cautionary quote from a sufferer:

5. cello scrotum

"Oh, it's real, all right. Every hour scratching the strings for dignitaries leaves me scratching my plums for two hours back at the Waldorf."

– Y-Y.M., musician

 

4. bongonads

"Like, too much close-range percussion, man. My meatballs are looking like my bongos: right one small, left one big."

– M.G.K., beatnik and TV star

 

3. sax sack

"At no time did my condition prevent me from performing my duties in the Oval Office. Or from running the country. Heh."

– B.C., politician

 

2. tromboner

"Dude, all that 'slide in, slide out'...After 6th-period band, I always gotta head to the boys' room and drain the ol' spit valve, know what I mean?"

– A.J., high school student

 

1. castanuts

"Clackety-clack, clackety-clack... Every trip to the bathroom, a flamenco of agony."

– R.M., late actor

 

And?

Am I forgetting any, readers?